I’m so sorry for the trauma and shock you are experiencing. I remember the overwhelming feelings of surrealism. I woke everyday thinking I was in a real nightmare. I had to learn to physically ground myself by trying to feel each indivdual tow on the floor to stop the swirling thoughts and feelings of terror. My mind literally couldn’t grasp that my best friend had done the things he admitted to. It would take me years to understand what he hadn’t admitted to. Even now I KNOW I don’t know what happened. Then came the years of staggered disclosure, the massage parlors, the fortune spent on porn, strippers.
I engaged in three years of therapy that culminated in the lightening bolt of a realization that I could literally die and leave my children parentless if I continued to place myself at risk. The night he told me he had been tested 4 times for STDS never once worrying about my health I changed the locks. I never wavered since then and it has been the hardest thing in my life. Looking back the murkiness was made worse by the sex therapists. They asked me the same questions…Would I leave my husband if he had an eating disorder…I was shaming him…on and on and on. Do yourself one favor. Get your OWN therapist. JUST YOURS…preferably a person well versed in trauma and allow yourself the latitude to figure out what is best for you. Sending strength and hugs from a woman who has traveled a similar path.