Trish’s Story

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     Trish 
    Participant

    I am married 38 years….all of which my husband has had a “secret” life. There were signs along the way, oh but we all know that with a lot of practice…(and trust me he had a lot of practice) deceiving becomes easier. Early in our marriage I found his “stash.” At that time I remember “fanning” the magazines out on his pillow that night and advising him that he could “sleep” with them. Where I was, (7 months pregnant with our second child) I had some hormones raging! I wish I had kept that strength going….of course he apologized, gave me assurances..you all know….
    The second time was just after the internet came into play. I discovered “sites” that had been visited, this time I simply stated, “you better never join one of those sites.” Again, apologies..”I won’t ever do that again” and oddly “I can’t believe how mature you are being about this.” I believed him.
    Fast forward in time, I would see occasional things, but to cope I suppose I labeled that “his demon” and felt like I can’t control it……
    He is a daily church goer, a very romantic guy who has never forgotten a birthday, anniversary….We go on “weekly” dates….I didn’t see this train coming.
    Last June I returned from a trip, I innocently picked up his phone, and there the pictures where, again I thought to myself, his demon, his problem. I then decided to look into looking a little deeper, (who knew about google activity?) I literally couldn’t breath. I confronted him (after a few cocktails) and that’s when the 1st train hit and I realized that this had been going on for our entire marriage, wait what marriage? The pretend one I thought we had? Or the one where he explained that he always has “kept it” very separate. That it doesn’t “affect” our marriage at all….
    On went the filters, the remorse on his part, and I outfitted myself with a “Sherlock hat.” (I don’t recommend the hat) we began counseling, (not a good experience….) I was asked by my counselor what I did to cause this….what was “my part.” My answer? I suppose I trusted him. Respected his “space.” Umm yeah no..I didn’t cause this. He kept this a secret, every day, every minute…he lied, deceived, pretended, used and abused me.
    I suppose now it’s important to mention that I was sexually abused by my father for over 10 years. When I finally told, my mother divorced him (only to remarry him 5 years later but that’s another story).
    This whole experience for me/us has been heart wrenching..disclosure is coming up (well as soon as he finishes a portion of the program.) so I’m standing on the tracks just waiting for the next train to hit….broken yes…..scared? Out of my mind…..thank you for reading my story….I wish I didn’t have one. Group Hug! I will get off those tracks, I don’t know what my future looks like, but I’m hoping and praying that this site can help myself and others to get off the damn tracks…..and bask in the sunshine.

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