February 26, 2018 at 9:27 am #13285juliebParticipant
Hey Sisters, Julie here. New to the group(s).
So here’s my story. Married to my husband for 12 years, together for 16. 7 years ago, learned of his sex addiction. His acting out at that time was limited to massage parlors and phone sex (well, as far as I know…nothing would surprise me at this point). He went to therapy, I supported him, and we went on for a solid 4 years after that with happiness and the birth of a son.
Our son is 2 1/2 now, and I knew there was a change in my husband again once I was pregnant as he drifted back to his addiction. I confronted and confronted, and he denied and denied. He’s a world class lier, and I trusted him (as you should in marriage – I believe if you do anything in life, you go all in.) About 2 months ago now, I finally had hard evidence (voicemail and text message) of an affair with a stripper/prostitute, and was able to get him to admit to his relaspe. This time, it is much worse.. and if my calculations are correct based on the evidence I now have, he’s probably been with nearly 100 prostitutes over the past 3 years. My initial reaction – Help him, Love him, Support him. But now that this has set in… there is only one clear action, which is to divorce him for the benefit of myself and my son. He’s not going to change. If he was, he would have changed already. And even now, with his life in shambles, I do not see a commitment to change. He goes to therapy sporadically, does not attend a 12 step program, refuses to go to the therapist-recommended outpatient program, continues to drink (another addiction) and stays in contact with his stripper girlfriend… who is “just a friend” (that I am fairly certain is using him for money..). He also is not looking within to solve his real issues… I’m raised the concept of “intimacy disorder” to him, and he doesn’t even know what that means. The more I read about it, the more textbook addict w/ a severe intimacy disorder I believe he is.
I’m starting the divorce process this week, and my husband and I have already discussed terms. In our situation, we both make good money, but I make much more. He knows I have evidence of him spending and spending on his addictions (I’d estimate a total of around 200K, potentially), and do not think that he will not fight my terms. However, I am gearing up for what could be a fight if he were to change his tune… but am hopeful that his fear of this going to court (and everything coming out about him) will keep him in line with my wishes. We have also discussed under the custody terms of our son that there will need to be some sort of monitoring of his addictions, as I do not want my young son exposed to this. I do feel he is a good Dad… just a man that cannot control his actions when he has the freedom to do what he pleases.
I probably sound pretty together and sane here, but rest assured.. the last 2 months have been terrible; the worst of my life. I’m betrayed, heartbroken, angry, sad.. you name it. However I have great friends and family that have been there for me, and I am focused on my son, and my career. As I gear up for this fight, I wanted to share… as I can use support from folks like you all who have been through this, or are going through this. I also want to give back and offer my support as well.
I know I will have good days and bad over the next year+. We all will. The main thing I tell myself as I embark on this process.. I’m better than this. I’m better than him.. My son will be fine, and I will be fine. Would love to hear from others who have experienced the same.
March 11, 2018 at 3:50 pm #13287JoAnnKeymaster
Hi Julie, thanks so much for sharing your story, I am so sorry that you are dealing with this along with a young child. This should be one of the happiest times in your life.
You are wise in that you do know that he cannot and will not change and that sort of life is not good for your son.
I hope for your sake that he continues to be supportive of you and your child in the divorce agreements, but let me warn you, he probably won’t be. My advice would be to see an attorney immediately and get his signature on a temporary agreement. As time goes on he will change, he will use money to control you and to drag out the divorce.
I apologize for not answering sooner, my bad…I forgot to have my e-mails from this site forwarded to me.
Keep posting with updates and hopefully other new members will chime in with their stories, advice and support.
Hugs. ~ JoAnn
June 29, 2018 at 12:19 am #13349TrishParticipant
Wow……I am so so sorry for your broken heart…….hugs
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